He knows
by catniip-everdeeen
Summary: And he knows what it's like to watch the woman you love kiss another man. /One shot


He knows he shouldn't. And he knows that with her situation with the Capitol and him being her "cousin" this may be the only chance he has to show her how much she means to him. After all the years he's known her, after all the years they've spent together, he'd thought she would've noticed how he felt. But right now she's oblivious to his thoughts and talking about the daily snare run and _she's so beautiful_ he just can't resist the urge to kiss her.

So he does.

She's clearly taken completely by surprise and he can feel her lips begin to come to life as he starts to pull away.  
Even to himself it seems ridiculous. he loves her so much but he can't let her kiss him back.

(At this point he cant even completely remember why he kissed her)

He doesn't want to try and make her figure out her feelings for him when he can see_ she's so confused_.  
In a strange sense, he also pulls back for Peeta's sake, for however much he doesn't like him, he knows Peeta's a good man, and he feels a sense of gratitude towards him for looking after Katniss in the arena while he was thousands of miles away unable to do anything but watch.

(And he knows how it feels to watch the woman you love kiss another man)

Now he feels guilty, for surely he's just made her even more confused?  
He turns and walks away before she even has a chance to speak, hating himself the whole walk home

* * *

_On the seventy-fifth anniversary as a reminder to the rebels that even the strongest among them cannot overcome the power of the Capitol, the male and female tributes will be reaped from their existing pool of victors._

Time seems to slow as he begins to understand what it is this means, as the pieces seem to fall into place, an icy chill falls over him and the sound of his heart is suddenly loud in his ears.  
He can't stop thinking what this means, _he knows_ she's going back into the arena (everyone knows this now) but will she make it back out?

Of course not.

He knows she can, she has the skill, the mindset, _but will she want to? _While she may not love Peeta, he means a great deal to her and he helped her in the arena, made sure she'd make it out and accepted the possibility of death when the double victor rule was cancelled.

_She feels like she owes him_

And he knows she hates being in debt to people.  
Know matter how much Prim, her mother, or even he means to her, and it doesn't matter how much she wants to live, she'll make sure Peeta returns.

_She's great like that_

He admires her, but wishes she would just try to come home

(as selfish as it may sound, he can't stop thinking about all the things he'll never get to experience with her)

* * *

He stares from the crowd, his eyes never leaving her face as she stares forward, an emotionless expression on her face.

(but the tears in her eyes threaten to give her away)

His gaze falters only twice. Once, as he watches a shaking Effie Trinket scramble around the glass bowl, desperately trying to catch hold of the one slip of paper. There's no need, not really, everyone knows all it says is _Katniss Everdeen_ in dull ink.  
She finally catches hold of it and his eyes flicker back to Katniss' face.

(and while no one else will notice, he sees her lip tremble slightly when her name is read out)

His gaze falters again when Peeta volunteers to take Haymitch's place. He stares right into Peeta's face, as he looks forward with only fire in his eyes. For a second, he wishes he was on that stage with her instead.  
Angry at himself he turns back to Katniss, desperately trying to memorise _every single detail_ as she's pulled back into the Justice building by a peacekeeper.

And when they don't get the chance to say goodbye he really feels like he's lost her forever, and the pain of being without her hits him like a ton of bricks.  
when she first went into games he had hope, _he was so sure, _that she'd come back to them all.

Now he knows she won't.

He knows.

* * *

He's staring at the screen in the town square, jaw clenched, eyes hard, watching as Peeta gives her the locket with the picture of Prim, her mother and him in there.

(He doesn't remember when Peeta asked him to pose for the photo, but he remembers Peeta telling him _it's for Katniss_ and he complied straight away)

He doesn't see her smile at the photo _because for once he's smiling._ Doesn't see the loving look in her eyes as she stares at it.

But he sees her look at Peeta through her eyelashes, lean up, and kiss him with a smile on her face.

He feels like he's being suffocated, he feels all the pain and worse from being whipped, because he knows now. Even if she does make it out,

He's lost her.

He knows.


End file.
